Why Do They Love You?
I have thought so many different things about how my life would look or what it would turn out to be. Most of them tragedies and lots and lots of pain. Although I wasn’t wrong about the pain, I was wrong about the lack of beauty I would find.
Take a breath, young Sarah, you’ll be alright.
Spoiler alert, I became more than alright, but the road there was not alright…
In 2019 I said to myself,
“IF there’s no beauty, IF there’s nothing good for me, IF there’s only pain and heartbreak in my future, I’m going to find out for myself.”
I got to a point where I was so damn frustrated and at the end of my tolerance with fears, insecurities, trauma, and toxic behaviors that I basically told them all, “Prove it.”
It was all I had left, and it turns out the bottom of my barrel was exactly what I needed because it was the best thing I could have done for myself, giving myself the space and time to find out.
If I was going to be a failure, to end up alone, it wasn’t going to be because I didn’t try.
However, that meant I had to be around to witness what was true and what wasn’t, which meant that I had to take ownership of myself and my life and release ownership of choices that were not my own.
I had to be present, I had to feel, I had to see, I had to be honest.
I quit my job, got a new one, and broke down to two of my best friends asking for financial help so that I could start therapy. They gave far more than I asked for and flattened one of the largest mountains I had in my way.
I remember crying to them, saying, “What if in the end I’m not worth it? What if after therapy I’m worse off and you wasted your money on me?”
I was so scared that I wasn’t going to be worth it, that I was going to be a disappointment, and that they would resent me for betting on the wrong person.
They knew something I didn’t: That I was so damn wrong about myself, all I needed was a little help to see it. Even if that meant trusting a professionals education and experience over the ones that said they loved me and were there.
Because lets be honest, sometimes we can’t trust the ones we love when we’re sleeping with our trauma—our trauma that was given to us by others that we loved.
I was so afraid of being a disappointment because I was afraid that I wouldn’t be what they hoped I’d be, or I wouldn’t heal into what they wanted me to heal into. I would change from the one they loved and I’d lose their love.
I equated love with being a need, filling a need, being a sexual fantasy, being obedient, sacrificing myself, or having something that someone wanted or needed and I could give it to them.
The reasons people loved others and myself was so twisted in my head. There was always motive, manipulation, abuse, etc.
Love was always a selfish fulfillment beyond the actual person you said you loved.
And in my defense, I witnessed a lot of that in my life from a young age, so why wouldn’t I have thought that.
All week I’ve been mulling over this question in my head, “Why do people love me?”
And my head has been empty. It’s not because I don’t think I’m loved, thankfully that is not something that is in question anymore, but it’s because I know I can’t answer it the way I used to. It’s because I know I was so wrong and now I have to learn.
I’m so glad I was wrong…
I asked a few people this same question, they all answered so beautifully, and with the reasons that I genuinely love them. I was honestly shocked because there was a theme with them all. They were all things about how they made their loved ones feel, or how they gave them safety or comfort within themselves.
Leaving space for honesty instead of the right thing
Going out of their way to make people feel seen and valued
Putting people first
Listening without fixing
Not being a need, just being there
Loyalty and faithfulness
Always in their corner
Depth
Authenticity
Humor
Because they know I care for them deeply and would fight for them
These are all things that naturally cultivate friendship and love. These are a list of parts of a human that are given as gifts to make other peoples lives better.
Gifts.
We are each others gifts.
Love is a gift. It’s a gift we were meant to give and to receive.
When I told the fears and darkness in me to prove it, I didn’t know that I was also saying to the love in me to prove it. Because I didn’t know that love was in there.
That darkness came at me hard, but it is no wonder that I turned out more than alright with this type of fierce love around me. I don’t know how I found it, or how it found me, but I really don’t care for the answer.
Because now I know that even if I did end up worse, all my fears came true, and I was the worst human being on the planet, my friends who helped me would still always bet on me. Because it’s not about my fears, it’s not about my trauma, it’s not about all of the what if’s and false views of myself and poor choices…It’s that they love me because they love me and there’s nothing I can do about it.
But as for my answer, I’m going to do my best to try because someone important to me asked me to.
So instead of thinking about what I’m made of or what I’ve done/become/sacrificed, I thought about those people. Those loved ones who love me because they just can’t stop, and this is what I think…
I think the ones that love me, love me because I’m attentive to them and I see them. And when I see them I give them space to be or become themselves. Because I cherish who they are and celebrate them. Because I show up, and always try again when I mess up. Because I honor them and I give a damn. Because I give them safety and I’m generous with giving them my heart.
I am so glad that I was wrong before. I’m so glad that they loved me for things that took me what felt like forever to see.
If you struggle with wondering why you’re loved or what you have to offer, I would suggest you ask those around you why they love you and see if it matches up with why you think they love you. And I love you because whether you see it or not, you create more love and beauty in the world by being the gift you are. Thank you for that.
With love,
Sarah